The other night I got together with several of the women who are part of the Joanna Klienman’s Dethroning Your Inner Critic Community that I am part of. We do this a few times a year. It is amazing to be able to connect in 3D.

When we were together, we were talking about being scared to take steps forward. I shared that I was scared that my web-site, announcing my new business, Margie Ione Coaching, that I have spent 6 months (well, my whole life) working towards, was going live soon.

Joanna challenged me by asking me if I was really scared? At first I thought “of course I am”. Yet, as I became curious about my fear in my meditation the next morning my thinking shifted. Joanna was on to something.

In truth, I am not scared. I am so excited to create something that was born inside my authenticity. I feel empowered. I feel confident. I have never felt more authentically myself.

Yes, it is hard to put myself out there for the world to see or judge as my inner critic wants me to believe. It creates anxiety inside of me. However, when I tap into this funcional anxiety as my authentic self, I find the more I trust myself and the more I truly feel the anxiety I am able to to unhook from it. So, yes I have anxiety and fear, but I am not SCARED.

I believe a better word is ACTIVATED.

What I have come to learn through the lens of my curiosity is that my circumstances activate my inner critic in a BIG way. AND they allow me to find freedom from my inner critic thoughts. I experience a level and a frequency of awe, gratitude and joy that I haven’t experienced before when I do this work.

This work fosters change. Period.

I now have the tools to master my mind and calm my nervous system. By continuing to use the MIND method, I notice when I am not aligned with my authentic self. I feel it in my body. When I notice, I use my tools to get back to my heart because that is where my authenticity lives.

I am still amazed that I truly didn't know I could think another way until I started doing this work. My inner critic sure had a strong hold! Of course she did, she came into being because she wanted to protect me when I did not know how to protect myself. I am grateful to her. Afterall, she is my best teacher.

I do not need protection anymore. I have the tools to self-regulate. I have everything I need inside of me.

As I continue to choose to trust myself while I unhook from my inner critic thoughts, I am amazed that I do not get stuck in the pain that really feeling it all brings. I have often thought “I can't go ‘there’, I'll never come back”. Have any of you ever had that thought? If you do this work I imagine you said yes.

Feeling pain sucks. However, when I go through it, I do not get stuck. I get to the other side and I am OK. Every time.

YES, I acknowledge my demons will always exist. The truth is I want them there because they teach me. AND, I know when I use curiosity to explore my demons, I rid myself of so many of the thoughts that were given to me. I separate my authentic self from my inner critic.

I do not expect to be pain free inside my authenticity. I do expect to feel pain, viscerally. I am human after all. Alongside feeling my pain, I commit to working towards neutralizing my dirty pain and nurturing and showing warm-hearted compassion to my clean pain.

YES, my circumstances are triggering me at every turn. I am ACTIVATED, AND I am navigating these circumstances as best I can and with many slips, pretty darn well.

The following is a letter I wrote to my friend’s inner critic, Polly. I imagine that we can all see ourselves in Polly’s story.

Dear Polly,

I know you have tried to help my friend Ellen navigate her life. I do appreciate that you try. I do believe your intentions are good. However, it is not your job anymore to rule her mind. I have seen my friend Ellen’s heart and light. She is brave, kind, empathetic, patient, funny, joyful, a great listener, a present friend, a great mom and so much more. I see all these amazing qualities in her. All the people in her life see them. I do believe she sees them too but you often get in the way. Why?

You pretend to know what is best for Ellen but YOU DO NOT! You come from a place of scarcity and a history of thinking in a “certain” way. Well, Polly, Ellen has learned amazing tools in her Mastering Your Mind program and she now knows how to manage her mind and live from her authentic self.

I want to remind you Polly that your control does not help Ellen. It hurts her to her core. So may you please make it easier for her to get back to that place in her heart where it sings?

My friend Ellen is stronger than you and as her friend, I am asking you to make it easier on her. I acknowledge that you will take over from time to time. However, your efforts to sabotage my friend only cause her pain and confusion. Is that what you want?

Polly, I imagine that you truly do not want that for Ellen. I know you think you are protecting her but you are not. I am asking with full humility and respect to please stay in your pocket. I know the more you stay in the dark, in her pocket, the more her light will shine. I see that light and when she shines it on the world we are all better people. Thanks for listening Polly - now PLEASE go the FUCK away.

Kapow! That is what is happening in my brain as I write these words. Have you ever had an aha moment? I hope so - it is very powerful.

I recently got back from a women's retreat in the jungle of Costa Rica. It was called “Discovering your Next Big Chapter”. To be honest, I did not know this was the title of the retreat before I went. I went because I love the energy Joanna Klienman, one of our facilitators brings to the world. I went without expectations. I wanted my mind to be completely open. I purposefully did not read too much about the specifics in advance.

Joanna, along with another facilitator, led 18 strangers through a spiritual and emotional journey. I do not mean to speak for others, and if my assumptions or hunch are wrong, I humbly apologize. I do believe we were all transformed in big and small ways during those 5 days.

Our time in the jungle was powerful on so many levels. I felt such a strong sense of support throughout the retreat. You can't pretend to have that feeling of being supported. It was real. I was IN the room, not in my head. I was my authentic self the entire time I was there. It was so freeing and fulfilling. I have never been in community, for this length of extended time, that was so supportive. I never felt or gave judgment to anyone there. I embraced everyone as their authentic self. Everyone did the same for me. Kapow!

The Kapow moments I shared with you are amazing. Period. Yet, there is more that contributed to the major shifts I felt within myself while in the jungle. It was not a conscious choice at the time, yet the timing of what I am about to share is meaningful. You see, I chose to stop my anti-depressant medication right before I left for Costa Rica. After discussing it with my therapist, my physician, and my husband, I felt like it was the right time.

I had been doing this work to dethrone my inner critic for a while, and I was confident that I had the tools I needed to navigate my mind. I am grateful I had these meds to help me for so long. They made a huge difference when I did not have other tools. Although it is 100% true that the meds helped me, however, I was never able to achieve the level of contentment I earned until I began to dethrone my inner critic. I did experience moments of happiness and satisfaction. Yet there was always that nagging voice reminding me that I was not enough. Regardless of all I had achieved.

I want to add a disclaimer here. I hold no judgment on those who are helped by these medications. I do not want to be insensitive to those who need meds because of a chemical imbalance or for any other reason for that matter. If you, and your brain, do need these meds, you should use them. I am so grateful there are meds like these that can help. They helped me in so many profound ways yet I wanted a new approach.

As I have learned to explore my thoughts, I have come to understand that my suffering comes from my thoughts. Suffering is different than pain. I know as a human I must experience pain to thrive, yet I do not need nor do I want to suffer at the hand of my own thoughts.

I know with all that I am, that I possess the agency to change my thoughts. It is not easy but it IS possible. Doing so leads me down the path to my essential or authentic self. It frees me. Dethroning my inner critic is how I thrive. It is how my specific brain works at its best. I am choosing to walk down that path. It is my choice. Please respect it. I will do the same in return.

I digress, not uncommon for me. I acknowledge this can be frustrating.

As I shared, I consciously went on this journey to Costa Rica without much knowledge of what was ahead. I chose to not read too much before I left. I choose to leave my phone in the room the majority of the time. Yes, I missed out on some great pictures but I did not miss out on life. I wanted to create the next chapter without a completely open and vulnerable approach. I was ready to receive. Cool right? Kapow!

These discoveries were aha moments for me. To borrow a phrase my daughter Marlee shared recently, I am filled up. When she was sharing her excitement to be at her happiest place, Camp Mataponi, this summer, she said she loves camp because she comes back filled up. I love that way of looking at being in a positive environment and how it literally, scientifically, fills us up. Because of this work, my physical brain, emotional brain, and my spiritual brain are all changing at the exact same time. Kapow!

These realizations give me so much hope in myself and the future. When I stand in my power I shine brightly. So do you! Kapow!

As 2023 began, I am choosing to have intentions, not resolutions. An intention guides me toward my dreams. A resolution often leaves me feeling like I am flawed because I can not achieve my goal.

I have had so many unfulfilled resolutions in my life. I often say this will be the year I finally lose weight and fit into my skinny jeans. Or I will finally finish that project I have been putting off. I can remember hundreds of these “resolutions'' I have made and not achieved.

A resolution aims to reach a certain goal or outcome. For me, if I do not “achieve” my resolutions, I see myself as a failure. This thinking is not productive. To believe If I do this thing (lose weight), then I will be happy sets me up for failure. You see, when I stay in my inner critic or not enough mind, I suffer. Unmet resolutions feed right into my inner critic mind. As I fail again and again to meet my resolutions, I feel worse. In my IC mind, I believe that there is something wrong with me because I could not lose weight or finish that project.

I say NO to this way of thinking.

I believe IF, THEN is a fallacy. You do not need to do anything to be OK now. I am already exactly where I need to be. I am OK in each moment exactly as I am - flaws and all. I do not need to arrive anywhere. I am already here. Meeting a resolution will not lead me to happiness, living in the moment and trusting my authentic self will.

I acknowledge that yes, I have to take actions that lead me to my goals and dreams, however, my happiness does not depend on reaching my goals, it depends on accepting myself exactly as I am. Contentment exists in each moment.

So, if resolutions are OUT, I choose to think of the new year in terms of what I intend to do to find peace and flow in my life. I intend to take actions that align with my own personal North Star. Through curiosity and openness to what the universe is teaching me, I know I will find peace.

As I shift my paradigm to one of intention rather than resolution, I know I will see a whole new world. My anxiety will decrease. I will experience joy more readily. My feelings of gratitude will soar.

I of course often, well always, go back to my inner critic mind. It is automatic. The neural pathways for her to thrive have been there for 57 years. It is not easy to build new neural pathways.

It takes time, practice, and patience. I am doing my best to be patient as I work towards flow.

As I continue this work, my evolution is palpable. I feel different in my body. I feel different in my mind. I see the world in brighter hues. I truly believe my consciousness has been elevated because of living intentionally.

Again, this shift does not mean that I do not go back into my automatic, inner critic mind. I do every day. However, when this happens, I know how to acknowledge what comes up, honor it ALL and breathe. The more I allow myself to feel and acknowledge all the feelings, good, bad, and sad, the more deeply I can breathe.

That breath allows me to see my life as something that is more dimensional than I have in the past.

My intention for 2023 is to continue to work on identifying my inner critic (IC), quieting her messages, and working on continuing to trust in myself as I create a new life for myself. When I quiet my IC, I can clearly see who I am. And when I trust myself and be 100% my authentic self, I thrive.

I am OK to be exactly who I am in every circumstance. I am me. Period.

Life is a multidimensional and multi-sensory experience that fills me with gratitude and awe. Intentionally.

This piece was written four years ago. My son, who I reference, recently graduated college and has moved to Denver to start his career. All the things I wished for him and me continue to unfold. I have been on a journey of self-discovery and wonder. As I lean into my journey, I continue to make amazing discoveries. He experienced college through COVID. He had fun, made long-lasting meaningful relationships, and loved his college experience. He has grown and matured and is thriving. Yes, we both still struggle, but the struggle is part of what makes us whole.

August 2018

It is difficult to put into words the essence of what I am experiencing as my youngest child of 4 goes off to college in a few days. Mostly, I am excited for him. He is ready. He is capable, strong, smart, adaptable, resourceful, and kind. I know that he will have an amazing experience because he is the kind of kid who creates opportunities for himself and makes the best of every situation. He does not dwell on things he can not control and he understands that it is how we choose to interpret reality that helps us remain positive. In fact, this resiliency is one of his best qualities. He has been through a lot and he never acted like a victim. He is an awesome person. I am so proud of him and happy for him. It’s not worry that I feel, it is excitement and wonder. Who will he become? What choices will he make? I know how much he will grow and mature and I can’t wait to witness this transformation.

All of this is exciting but I am also excited for myself. I am not a helicopter mom. I gave my kids a lot of rope when they were growing up. I fundamentally understand that my job is to support them, not control them once they get older. Finding the balance to allow this to happen while still guiding them and helping build their foundation is the hardest part of parenting for me. I was not always successful in this balance. I often tried to put my view of reality on them. Sometimes it was for the right reasons because I am a parent. Yet, sometimes I made it more about trying to fill something in my psyche, than seeing them as separate.

As they got older I had more freedom with my time because my physical responsibilities lessened. However, they and their needs were always an integral part of the decisions I made. Now that the last of my four children are leaving, I will be able to open up space for myself. Yes, being a mom first will be a hard habit to break.

I truly believe that the best thing I can do for my kids is to be there for them no matter what, and no matter when while at the same time letting them fly. As a wise man taught me when your kids are little you are the director. You tell them where to be and what to do. When they get to be teenagers you are the coach. Give advice and guide them but you can’t do the work for them. When they get to college and beyond — I am the consultant. Only give advice when asked.

I am not sure how I am going to make the transition. I need to find productive ways to reinvent myself in this new freedom. My kids never stopped me from achieving anything but I sometimes used them as an excuse to not have a more structured direction in my life. I am smart and capable but I also like downtime and flexibility. Having kids in the house, even if they were independent and capable, helped define me. Now it is time to figure out who I want to be with no strings attached. I can do anything I want. Now it is time to figure out who that will be. Wish me luck!