Kapow!

Kapow! That is what is happening in my brain as I write these words. Have you ever had an aha moment? I hope so - it is very powerful. 

I recently got back from a women's retreat in the jungle of Costa Rica. It was called “Discovering your Next Big Chapter”. To be honest, I did not know this was the title of the retreat before I went. I went because I love the energy Joanna Klienman, one of our facilitators, brings to the world. I went without expectations. I wanted my mind to be completely open. I purposefully did not read too much about the specifics in advance. 

Joanna, along with another facilitator, led 18 strangers through a spiritual and emotional journey. I do not mean to speak for others, and if my assumptions or hunch is wrong, I humbly apologize. I do believe we were all transformed in big and small ways during those 5 days.

Our time in the jungle was powerful on so many levels. I felt such a strong sense of support throughout the retreat. You can't pretend to have that feeling of being supported. It was real. I was IN the room, not in my head. I was my authentic self the entire time I was there. It was so freeing and fulfilling. I have never been in community, for this length of extended time, that was so supportive. I never felt or gave judgment to anyone there. I embraced everyone as their authentic self. Everyone did the same for me. Kapow!

The Kapow moments I shared with you are amazing. Period. Yet, there is more that contributed to the major shifts I felt within myself while in the jungle. It was not a conscious choice at the time, yet the timing of what I am about to share is meaningful.  You see, I chose to stop my anti-depressant medication right before I left for Costa Rica. After discussing it with my therapist, my physician and my husband, I felt like it was the right time. 

I had been doing this work to dethrone my inner critic for a while, and I was confident that I had the tools I needed to navigate my mind. I am grateful I had these meds to help me for so long. They made a huge difference when I did not have other tools. Although it is 100% true that the meds helped me, however, I was never able to achieve the level of contentment I earned for until I began to dethrone my inner critic. I did experience moments of happiness and satisfaction. Yet there was always that nagging voice reminding me that I was not enough. Regardless of all I had achieved.

I want to add a disclaimer here. I hold no judgment on those who are helped by these medications. I do not want to be insensitive to those who need meds because of a chemical imbalance or for any other reason for that matter. If you, and your brain, do need these meds, you should use them. I am so grateful there are meds like these that can help. They helped me in so many profound ways yet I wanted a new approach. 

As I have learned to explore my thoughts, I have come to understand that my suffering comes from my thoughts. Suffering is different than pain. I know as a human I must experience pain to thrive, yet I do not need nor do I want to suffer at the hand of my own thoughts. 

I know with all that I am, that I possess the agency to change my thoughts. It is not easy but it IS possible. Doing so leads me down the path to my Essential, or Authentic self. It frees me. Dethroning my inner critic, is how I thrive. It is how my specific brain works at its best. I am choosing to walk down that path. It is my choice. Please respect it. I will do the same in return.

I digress, not uncommon for me. I acknowledge that this can be frustrating. 

As I sheared, I consciously went on this journey to Costa Rica without much knowledge of what was ahead. I chose to not read too much before I left. I choose to leave my phone in the room the majority of time. Yes, I missed out on some great pictures but I did not miss out on life. I wanted to create the next chapter without a completely open and vulnerable approach. I was ready to receive. Cool right? Kapow!

These discoveries are truly an aha moment for me. To borrow a phrase my daughter Marlee shared recently, I am filled up.  When she was sharing her excitement to be at her happiest place, Camp Mataponi, this summer, she said she loves camp because she comes back filled up. I love that way of looking at being in a positive environment and how it literally, scientifically,, fills us up. Because of this work, my physical brain, emotional brain and my spiritual brain are all changing at the exact same time. Kapow!

These realizations give me so much hope in myself and in my future. In our future. When I stand in my power I shine brightly. So do you! Kapow!